Boozy McGuzzles

As is probably not obvious from this blog, I do occasionally go out to drink. Not often enough, as drinking fancy cocktails at NYC bars can get pricey very quickly, but in the same hand, living in NYC, loving booze, and not going out to partake of the best is the purview of fools and the extremely lazy. I am often the latter, but I am no fool!

Last night I got the opportunity to not be a fool at all, thanks to David Burke at Bloomingdale’s, Inocente Tequila, and my dear friend Nicole of The NY City Dish. Nicole, through her crazy food-blogger connections (or more likely from dining at a David Burke restaurant before and filling out a comment card), got us on the list for the event: a four-course menu consisting of seven small plates, two desserts, and four cocktails, all for $42 (plus tax and tip). Obscene! Just an obscene deal, and the meal itself was ridiculous in a very good way, but this blog isn’t here to talk about food. Let me tell you about the booze that was the backbone of the event.

Inocente Tequila’s shtick is that that it’s triple-distilled, whereas most tequilas are double distilled, making for a particularly clean and smooth taste. There’s also something about a “micro-oxygenation process” and a lot of other cleverly chosen words to indicate that this is supposed to be a fancy tequila for fancy people. In any case, the event served up five variations to show off the booze:

1. Classic Margarita – Inocente tequila, lime juice, agave nectar. This one they just handed to us when we walked in the door, and continued to hand them to us until the dinner started. This was a lot smoother than I’m used to margaritas tasting, but to be perfectly honest, I am not usually drinking the classiest of margaritas. Okay, to be extra honest, if I’m drinking a margarita it’s usually frozen and came out of a pitcher. I am classy. But this was smooth and sweet, and reminded me in flavor of a caipirinha, one of my favorite drinks.

2. Double Down – Inocente tequila, cucumber puree, serrano pepper, lime juice, agave nectar. I am all about savory cocktails, especially those that involve cucumber, so I loved this one. It was fresh up front, had smooth body, and had quite a kick on the back end from the peppers. This went incredibly perfectly with the first course of ceviche and gazpacho.

3. Inocente Puro - Okay, that’s just the fancy name they gave it on the menu, but this was just a shot of the tequila straight, complete with a little glass of coffee beans and vanilla pods to cleanse the sniffing palate before sipping. Now, I don’t have much experience with blanco tequilas as sipping tequilas; my mom was into tequilas for sipping, but she mostly had añejo and reposado tequilas. This was very smooth and a little sugary on the tongue, and honestly reminded me of cachaça.

4. Pure Innocence – Inocente tequila, fresh basil, lemon juice, agave nectar, soda water. This was my absolute favorite, summery and refreshing. I’m really into basil as a cocktail ingredient right now, so having a fresh sprig right there to sniff with every sip was such a pleasure. I could have had about six of these without blinking.

5. Life’s a Peach – Inocente tequila, white peach puree, lemon juice, prosecco. This, though, was a disappointment as the last cocktail of the night. I didn’t get any taste of peach at all, just a strange bitterness and an unpleasantly heavily alcohol taste. The only good part of this cocktail was the little crispy balls of chocolate they floated in it, which I tried to be as subtle as possible (and mostly failed) at shaking all of them out of the bottom of the glass and into my mouth.

Was Inocente tequila good? Yes. It was smooth and combined well with a variety of cocktail types. Would I buy it on my own? I’m not sure, but that’s just a matter of my personal tastes. I don’t make many tequila cocktails when left to my own devices, and when it comes to liquor I’m going to be sipping, I prefer the bouquets of gin or the classic taste of brown liquors. Also, no one told me how much a bottle of this stuff costs, but I’m guessing it’s a lot. Still, it was a fantastic experience, and one I hope to repeat again next month at the similar event for Leblon Cachaça.

Okay, it’s time to get nerdy up in this piece.

Now, I may be a grown woman who pretends to be a respectable adult, but this does not mean I do not have some terribly nerdy geekball hobbies and interests. I spend 85% of my life in front of a computer, I play video games constantly, I will argue with you about Star Trek, and I watch cartoons intended for a much younger demographic than the one I fit into.

What does this have to do with cocktails? Well, a while back I got myself into the really quite wonderful show Avatar: The Last Airbender. Yeah, it’s a Nickelodeon show, and the target age group is about the 8-12-year-old demographic, but really! Trust me! It’s a great show even for adults! No, stop laughing!

Mockery aside, I really enjoy the series, and when I like something, one of my first instincts is to try to see if I can come up with some sort of boozy connection for it. So for Avatar, I took the premise of the four elemental nations and tried to break them down, cocktail-style. If you’re a nerd like me and a fan of the show, you’ll see where I’m coming from with this one; if not, it’s a delicious cocktail that stands on its own.

Water Tribe

Ingredients:
2 oz. shochu
2 oz. unfiltered sake (Nigori)
1/2 oz. umeboshi sugar syrup (recipe follows) OR 1 tsp sugar + muddled umeboshi
1 pinch kosher salt
Umeboshi to garnish (optional)

The umeboshi really are the key to this drink. If you’ve never had them before, they’re sour-salty-sweet little balls of Japanese goodness, available at many Asian markets. Popping one in your mouth by itself is a recipe for puckered lips, but the complex flavor is released nicely in a drink like this.

Umeboshi Sugar Syrup

Like most infused syrups, it’s really pretty simple. You don’t need to make very large batches of this, so I’d suggest 1/2 cup of water and 1/2 cup of sugar, either heated to boiling over the stove or given a solid zap in the microwave (is that gauche, to make simple syrup in the microwave? I do not care). While the water-sugar is heating, drop in 2-3 umeboshi.  Once the sugar has dissolved into the mixture, remove the syrup from heat and let the umeboshi steep for about 10-15 minutes. After that, give them a little pop with the back of a spoon and then strain out the solids with a tea ball or your preferred method of straining.

OKAY, THE ACTUAL COCKTAIL RECIPE:

Mix all the ingredients in a shaker with ice, shake thoroughly, and strain into a chilly, chilly cocktail glass. If you don’t want to go through the trouble of making the sugar syrup, simple muddle an umeboshi and a teaspoon of sugar in the bottom of your mixer before adding the liquids. In either case, garnish with an umeboshi and enjoy this salty, sweet, ice-cold full moon of a drink. And watch some cartoons, darn ya!

Okay, I know what you’re probably thinking from the title of this post: Gross. But stick with me! This beverage does not involve you starving yourself for two weeks or pooping a lot. At least not if you do it right.

If it’s not clear what I’m referring to, have a little light reading. In short, the actual Master Cleanse is a terribly unwise thing that people do to cleanse their body of alleged toxins and impurities by, as mentioned, starving themselves and pooping a lot. My professional opinion as a medical doctor is that this whole thing is a load of—to use the technical term—hooey. Sounds terribly unhealthy! Not at all like my favorite healthy activity: drinking!

I always did find the sound of mixture of maple syrup, lemon juice, and cayenne pepper to be appealing, though. It sounds like a pleasant treat, but since I’m fond of the bacteria in my intestinal tract, I never bothered to sample anything like it. That was until I bought Sortilège Maple Syrup and Whisky Liqueur. It was one of those impulse purchases in the liquor store, when you spend a while staring at the various liqueurs and going, my god! Dill liqueur? Pine eau de vie! Maple Liqueur sounded just crazy enough to work, and I bought it without really having a grand plan of what to use it in. And then I remembered the Cleanse and got to formulating.

All the refreshing flavor with none of the presumed health benefits! Behold, the Master Cleanse:

Ingredients:
2 oz Sortilège Maple Liqueur
3 oz lemonade or sparkling lemonade
several dashes cayenne pepper

Put ice in a glass, put the ingredients in that glass, stir, and serve. It’s sweet and tart and a little spicy (or a lot, depending on how heavy handed you are with cayenne). And best of all, it is absolutely, positively, not good for you at all. Unless we mean spiritually.